Here’s my story. It’s not the beginning, nor is it all of it, but it’s my story nonetheless.
I’m a Libra. I’m an INFJ-T. I don’t follow these labels religiously, but I do relate to some of what is written about these things. So what do these mean? It means that I’m probably more sensitive to emotions than other people. I’m also a perfectionist; I hate making mistakes so much and I hate feeling less than happy, which means I’m never satisfied with myself or my life.
I do have a logical voice in my head that tells me it’s impossible to be happy every single day. But most of the time, this voice fights a losing battle as my perfectionist voice is louder. And this is what I go through daily.
Now that I’ve gotten a little personal, I’ll go over over my current situation.
I won’t go into details, but if I thought I had sad days in the past, this is on a whole other level.
I thought people sobbing for hours or crying themselves to sleep was a thing that only happened in books and in the movies. I thought that the inability to get out of bed due to sadness was just laziness. I thought that looking at the world through sad eyes and feeling a heavy, sad weight on your shoulders was something that only lasted for a day or two. I never thought those kinds of things could happen to me. Well…
I’ve always believed I was a pretty strong person: I don’t cry easily, I can hide my emotions, and I can fake a smile all day and night if I have to. Anything so that people never see my more vulnerable side.
I’ve also always prided myself on being able to move on and get over things quickly by being busy. I’ve noticed that every time something “bad” happens, I purposely make myself busier and before I know it, I’ve “moved on.”
Now I know that this isn’t the best way to deal with things, but it works for now.
You can call it summer blues or making a big deal over something small, but whatever you call it, Chapter 2 happened nonetheless. For the sake of not oversharing, I’ll just say things have been pretty hard lately. I don’t think it’ll be as easily forgotten as what I went through a year ago.
I usually end my days feeling disappointed in who I’ve become. The bubbly, happier girl I used to be has gone into hiding and I can’t find her. I ask myself questions repeatedly of what do I do now and how do I find my way back to that girl? And I just don’t know.
I’ve sounded pretty depressing up until now, but if you’ve made it this far, this is where the shift begins. Day by day, the wounds of the past heal a little bit. Sometimes I feel myself taking one step forward and then 3 steps back, but at least I’m taking steps. At least I’m trying.
But even more than that, my desire to be happy again is slowly taking over the sadness that would usually invite itself in without notice and overwhelm me.
So if you’re sticking with me through this story, here is the motivation that this post is supposed to be about.
These are the voices that helped me instead of real voices in real life. I’m not saying that no one helped me or that I have no friends. I think I just closed myself off from everyone because I didn’t want to seem weak and because for once, I really couldn’t fake that smile.
In today’s world, society seems to make it a shameful and taboo thing to be vulnerable and share your feelings, which is very sad because I’m sure there are so many people struggling with issues worse than mine.
My situation was also a private issue that I couldn’t talk about openly and I don’t think I ever will. Sometimes, there are things that can’t be shared.
So that’s my Motivational Monday wrapped inside a story. I hope this post can help somebody, or at the very least, someone can relate to what I went through. I don’t care if people read this post or not, it was just something I wanted to write. So if you made it here, thank you for reading.