Hello lovelies! It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? Finals week definitely kicked my butt, but now the semester’s over and I can do what I truly like, which is get back to this blog!
*warning, this is going to be a long post!*
Every semester after my first two years in college has been rough in some way or form, and I don’t think things get any easier from here. I’m growing up and slowly, I’m finding myself nearing the end of being protected in my little bubble and at the beginning of fending for myself in the real world.
I found this quote floating around the internet recently. And it just struck me suddenly to write about it.
These words resonate with me in several parts of my life.
For one, I’ve been struggling to be happy for several months now, and the reasons why seem to keep growing.
Some days, I am happy. And on other days, I find myself falling backwards into that uncomfortable yet comfortable feeling of sadness. Because it hurts to be there, but I’m not brave enough to admit that I’m unhappy. So I fall backwards, and sink into the arms of sadness that are willing to pull me in as far as they can so that I lose myself in its overwhelming darkness.
Sometimes I find my way back to the light, but it’s too late. I got lost for a little too long again and that selfish sadness took another part away from me again. I blink at the sunlight, confused and wondering who I am now and where the girl I used to be go.
I think I’m still struggling with what I went through earlier this year, and it sucks. I shouldn’t put a limit on how long it takes to heal, but how long is too long? And why hasn’t it gotten better?
But every day, I wake up again. And I go through another day, living life, unsure of whether I’ve wasted another day or if I made the most of it. But I guess the main thing is that I lived, and when it seems difficult to wake up, I try to let courage carry me.
As I’ve gotten older, all the people that were my “friends” have fallen away, revealing who are truly there for me and who was just there for the fun times. But I miss the comfort of seeing familiar faces, even if they aren’t real friends.
I wish making new friends was as easy as it sounds. But I feel like everyone’s working on their careers, working on their lives. There’s no more crazy nights out, no more late night bonding, no more spontaneous adventures. Isn’t it too early to be feeling so old? I want to be the way I was just a couple years ago, or even a year ago. I don’t need to stay out till 4 in the morning, but I want to have fun again.
I spend most of my days and nights working on my own life alone now and I feel that loneliness, but I try to smile through it and let courage carry me.
I’m not sure of what I’m doing with my life. I know I’m not the first person to say that, and I’m definitely not the last. What doesn’t make it any easier is all the loose ends I have. I may or may not get a surgery that would affect my ability to walk temporarily. I probably have to move back home after graduation, but job opportunities for my major are rare in my hometown. I want to move to another state to start my career there, but I don’t think I have the funds for it.
I also dream about doing things that have nothing to do with what I’m working so hard in college for. Like performing or travelling to see what’s out there. But I feel like I would get looked down upon for it, since my dreams are all so “unstable.” But can I help it if I was born a dreamer?
All of these things affect my timeline and make it hard to figure out what my next moves are. I’ve lived my life trying to follow a plan, but what should I do when I can’t plan past the next few months?
I’m afraid of how quickly the real world is approaching, but I think life has good things in store for me, so I just have to be brave and let courage carry me.
I’ve read a lot of those articles that pull you in every direction. One author writes that it’s okay to not know what you want to do with your life. Another person tells you how to get successful and to figure out your life now. Countless articles listing what you should do in your twenties, to stay single, to settle down, to stop being depressed, to wallow in your sadness, to let go, to hold on. Sigh. Why does it have to be so confusing?
We can read as much of those articles as we want (and trust me, I’ve read a lot of them), but I think we have to come to the conclusion that we shouldn’t rely on those to help us. We need to make up our own minds and figure out our. No article, no one’s advice can help us. They can help you think about things, but they can’t make up your mind. That’s up to you, and you alone.
I’m pretty sure I’ve sounded depressing up till now, but this is my life and my feelings. But, I think writing this has helped me to realize that we’re in control of our own lives. And we also need to just grab that courage whenever we can and let it carry you, and do whatever we want. What good is it to hide behind your own sadness, your own loneliness, and to be afraid of what others think? Let courage carry you in your life, and don’t be afraid to fail. But also let that courage be the reason you succeed.
I hope this post wasn’t too sad; I just think it was worth it to be honest today. I don’t know if my post will help anyone, but I hope it made some sense. I know my problems are first world problems, but mental health and having friends is important too. I don’t think we were meant to spend our lives alone in this world, and I think our mental health is overlooked far too much these days.
Anyways, I know this wasn’t much of a motivational post, but I hope by the time I come back with another motivational monday post that I’ll be in a better place and I can actually be motivating. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. Really, thank you. I’ll see you lovelies tomorrow. ♥