LET’S BE HONEST

Hello lovelies, long time no see! Today I wanted to get a little personal and update on why I took a break from my blog.

So if you consistently read my blog, you may have noticed that I tend to take a lot of breaks. It’s not something I’m proud of because I’m always striving to become more consistent, but life usually ends up getting in the way. However, this time, I was the obstacle, the roadblock. I was the one holding myself back from writing and publishing posts.

But why?

Let’s be honest. 

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Lately, as my college career begins to come to an end and the “real world” seems to get alarmingly closer by the day, I’m starting to feel the pressure. I see Facebook posts about people starting their career, going to grad school, or landing another internship. I visit LinkedIn and see my peers listing their impressive accomplishments.

And here I am, feeling a bit behind, like I need to play the catch-up game. Of course, I’ve read plenty of articles about how it’s okay to feel lost in your 20s and how social media is a mechanism that makes us compare ourselves to others in an unhealthy way. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering if I haven’t done enough with my life so far.

I am fully aware that I’m only 21 years old. I should be proud that I currently have a part-time job while being a full-time student and that I’m holding positions in 2 organizations on campus as well as venturing into volunteer work. But somehow, it still doesn’t feel like enough.

As an English major, I know that I’m passionate about writing. I find it challenging, yet fun and satisfying, which is definitely not what the majority of my friends would say, haha. But after taking classes and doing my own research on the career paths I can take with my degree, I realized that I don’t know what I want to pursue because there’s too many options. Writing for a publication would be great, but I’m also interested in editing, and I recently thought that maybe I should go into marketing or public relations or even business.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I spent a little too much time gaining life experiences instead of focusing on getting a head start on my career. On the other hand, I don’t regret that I took the time to make memories with people. But whenever I speak on a student panel where I have to talk about what I’ve achieved so far or attend a conference where I can network with other students, I am sorely reminded that maybe I prioritized going out over studying a few too many times.

What does this all have to do with my latest break from my blog? Well…I don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel stuck.

Becoming a blogger appeals to me because I’d be able to creatively express myself on my own terms. But things like blogging and YouTube channels are not as they were a few years ago. Blogging is a job; making videos is a job. It’s all turned into business, and I wonder if blogging would, over time, end up feeling like work instead of an outlet.

Being a writer/editor would probably feel like a regular job. I’d probably live a normal life like most people do, and surely that couldn’t be too bad.

And then my dreamer side comes in. Sometimes I can suppress it, but these days it keeps escaping and refuses to stay still, and it kicks and thrashes all over the place. I try to cover my ears because it won’t stop screaming that I shouldn’t stop until I achieve my craziest dreams, but it doesn’t work. I want those dreams, but it just seems so far outside my grasp right now.

All these thoughts consumed me so much that I kept swinging back and forth between quitting everything to choose my dreams and telling myself to be logical and put my degree to use with a writing job. I became so paralyzed with fear about the future that I couldn’t write about anything on here. How was I supposed to gush about makeup and clothes when I couldn’t even figure out where I want to be 1 year from now? Instead, I put blogging on the back burner and immersed myself into job and volunteer websites, updated my LinkedIn profile, fixed my resume, and looked up ways to try to make myself more appealing to potential employers.

Basically, I’m torn between chasing after my wildest dreams or just settling for the life I’m already privileged to have and working a regular job like everyone else.

But I don’t want to be like everyone else. And to be honest, I’m still kind of drowning in the depths of my mind. But I figure that I shouldn’t be stagnant while I wait for my brain to realize what the answers are. I should just try my hardest with what I have right now, like this blog and gaining work experience.

So here I am. I’m back and I’m gonna go all in on all my projects. Hopefully, I’ll find myself soon. Let’s go on this journey together.

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I know this post didn’t sound like it was very motivational; it was more like a stream of consciousness or brain dump post. But if you’ve been feeling stuck like I have, let’s get ourselves unstuck together.

The reason for writing this was mainly for myself and my crazy thoughts, but if you made it this far, thank you for reading (and you deserve an award for reading all of this, haha). I’ll see you lovelies tomorrow.

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