Sometimes we need time on our own to learn about ourselves, to grow, and to eventually bloom into who we really are.
I’ve spent a lot of time alone in the last year. After I graduated college, I knew that things would change, but I didn’t expect it to be this lonely.
Friendships that I thought might last a lifetime faded away like a suntan from last summer. My favorite memories from the last four years started to feel like fuzzy dreams I had during a warm afternoon nap. And everything I thought I knew about myself suddenly changed.
Moving back home was a lonely experience. My college friends were now far away, and my hometown friends had moved out of this small city to pursue their own goals. I got a job, but felt isolated at work. I had my family, but they could only comfort me for so long. On top of that, I had surgery at the beginning of this year (more details on that here), and I’ve only left the house 5 times in the last 2 1/2 months, so I felt even more disconnected from the world.
Then I spent many days and nights alone with my thoughts. I started wondering about everything from not knowing whether to follow my dreams and my purpose in life to wishing for a sign from the universe or the ability to see into the future. I reflected on friendships, relationships, and who I really was.
This was where I felt like I was growing, but sometimes, I felt like I was going crazy because I had so many questions, but so little answers.
However, there was a silver lining. Even though I felt stagnant at times because I couldn’t leave the house or see anyone, I was able to focus all my energy on me and start to discover who I am. When will I ever get the chance to do this if not now?
There’s still so much to be discovered, but I feel like I’ve at least been able to dive under the surface. I realized that I’ve always tried to please people. I’ve constantly followed trends or done things because others wanted me to. I didn’t do the things I liked and hid all the little quirks that make me different without even realizing it.
And some days I feel the fire burning to drop everything and follow my wildest dreams, but I’m trying to tell myself that if it’s meant to be then it’ll happen. And in the meantime, I can develop a more practical career. I’ve always wanted to be a singer and I’ve always loved writing, so I hope one day, I’ll be able to achieve both of my dreams.
I still have a ways to go, but I see myself growing a little bit every year. And this time around, instead of watering everyone else and helping them grow, I’ve been able to just water myself and in turn, I think I’m starting to truly bloom into myself.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back to evaluate yourself. We might be dead set on living life a certain way only to realize one day that this wasn’t what you wanted all along. We might realize that the relationships we had were taking up space in your life, but not your heart. We might discover we were following others instead of doing what we truly like and finally embark on projects for ourselves. We might keep making mistakes and only realizing things in hindsight, but there’s nothing we can do to change the past. We just have to keep moving forward.
That’s what living is for. It’s for us to realize things about ourselves and others, to change and make progress. We’re supposed to grow; we can’t be the person we were one year ago or one month ago.
So in order to do that, we need to water ourselves with knowledge and experiences. We need to feed ourselves with our passions. And we need to make a healthy space for ourselves so that we can grow and bloom through all the seasons.
Sometimes I feel like a clueless seed that’s just poked its head out of the dirt. And sometimes I feel like a beautiful flower soaking up the sunshine and blooming with all its might. And both of these things are okay, as long as you don’t give up and keep growing.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this outfit post. I’ll see you lovelies soon.