Like running up the down escalator. Like trying to escape the riptide. All the force that works against you, not with you. I don’t want to be stuck, but I can’t pull myself out.
On the days where I’m not in a good place mentally, it’s hard to move. It’s like sleep paralysis, but I’m awake and alive. My mind tells me to move while simultaneously telling my muscles to stay put. It’s a internal war, and sometimes I wish I could throw out the white flags and surrender.
Would it be better to give up?
I don’t know when it started, but I started struggling with productivity and procrastination. I kept putting everything off as if it would magically disappear if I ignored it long enough. And I was afraid that I’d be disappointed in the finished product before it could even materialize. I convinced myself I would fail before I even began, because there was no way I would ever be good enough for anyone, not even myself.
But I feared wasting time and having to start over, even though that’s exactly what I was doing.
Someone once told me that I would panic since I didn’t have a solid plan for the future; that person was partially right. There are days where I feel like I’m sinking in a shallow river that’s rushing, rushing, rushing. Time flows on by, but I’m stuck at the riverbank. I feel the same every day, like I’m going nowhere and not making progress towards anything. At this point, I don’t know what I expected from myself anymore. Dreams seem to be fading into the distance, like old photographs left too long in the sun, like an oasis that turned out to be a mirage in the desert.
And sometimes I feel ready to do everything, but I’m glued to my spot. What’s the point of doing this? Is it worth it? What if all my effort is for nothing? There’s no guarantee that this will work out.
I wish I wasn’t afraid; I wish these thoughts didn’t feel like cold steel bars; I wish these thoughts didn’t shake me up as much as I shake them trying to escape.
Like Newton’s cradle, like the pirate ride at the amusement park, like the first push you get on the swing at the playground. Maybe today will be the day I’ll find some momentum to become unstuck. If I just take one step forward, will I finally begin to break free?
This is something I wrote a little while ago when I was feeling, well, stuck. I don’t feel this way every day, but there are times when I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I’ve made much progress towards my goals. But I suppose it’s true when they say you should only look back to see how far you’ve come. I hope we can all take a little step today to become unstuck. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you lovelies soon. ❤
P.S: I’ve been learning how to use Lightroom for the last couple months and my editing’s a bit rough so I know it’s not the best quality, but I’ll keep practicing!